Seeing Through Bullies, Narcissists & Tyrants

They make life more painful than it has to be: the bosses who cause employees to feel worthless, the wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends who pick fights for no good reason, the politicians who abuse power and the parents who belittle their kids. It's the bullies, tyrants and narcissists too. They all have one thing in common: They are playing a game, though not with other people, but with themselves. Unfortunately, the rest of the world gets caught in the crosshairs.

To fully understand them, though, is to first consider them in contrast to their healthier counterparts. We all know how it feels to be in the company of people who bring out the best in others. They inherently have an uplifting effect on those whom they touch. You can see it not only in their eyes, but also in how they act, think and talk. At work they are focused on actual work. At home they are low maintenance. They are motivated by confidence instead of insecurity, have records of supporting others instead of abusing them, and inherently look for good in the world instead of creating something bad. They are the givers, not the takers. And that distinction rests on, and can be traced to, one thing and it's ego. But, there is good ego which shows itself as self-confidence, and there is bad ego which shows itself as narcissism. This is where the rubber meets the road.

Bad egos are inherently unhealthy and look for ways to convince themselves they are not any number of things they fear they might be based on lessons learned from their pasts. Seeds were planted that caused insecurity about something: lovability, likability, worthiness, social status, intelligence, adequacy, acceptance, respect, attractiveness, etc… Something or someone in their environment made them feel less-than, inferior, inadequate. Those seeds root, and over time, either rot into something destructive or bloom into something wonderful. It just depends on what people do with the hand they were dealt.

The broader issue, though, is the impact of these people who would rather unleash their demons on innocent bystanders than keep them within themselves and deal with them. They are the bullies, narcissists, tyrants and assholes that color the world black. They are egos-gone-wild.

Ultimately, their game is control and manipulation because the narcissistic ego tries to prove to itself that it is all the things it wants to believe it is and none of what it fears. They are desperate to prove to others that they are bigger and better than their perceived reality. But, underneath it all, what they are really trying to do is undo, unwind and silence the voices inside. These egos try to hide their insecurities by clinging to an image of themselves in an attempt to convince people of their strength and power.  It's a show. The only real power they have is the power to hurt anyone with whom they cross paths.

Like any other corrosive toxin, your best bet is to ignore, avoid, steer clear and otherwise do not engage. Rather, do your own thing. Focus on your own stuff. Remember, someone else's maladaptive behavior is part of an internal world in which only he/she/they lives. The biggest mistake we make is letting them rope us in.

When people ask, "Why is power such a great motivator?" Know there's a reason. People who want power, need power to buttress feelings of weakness. Like all addictions, it’s an escape hatch.

Some narcissists are the quiet, covert type. Others seek to actively engage others in their reflection so that their own reflection cannot suffer (change) directly. It's that arrangement of the hall of mirrors that inhibits self-reflection, which would be personally existential to the narcissist. It would feel like suffering death. ~ Matthew Crawford