Guilt Is Page One Of A Narcissist's Playbook

You know how it goes when parents tell their kids they have to eat everything on their plates because there are starving kids somewhere else in the world, usually China, who are going hungry? My parents did.

Think about the psychology of that.

We are forced to eat out of guilt by connecting something completely out of our control in some far away land, to the suffering of others, to something as unrelated and personal as an individual's appetite. The message early on is that we should want something, even though we don’t, as if it will somehow alleviate someone else’s pain.

This is how emotional manipulation works.

It so happens that in my last post I wrote about parental coercion, which got me thinking about how we learn things and then how they manifest. In this case, the seed is planted to make us feel bad for not wanting what we are given. In other words, to feel bad for not appreciating something of value to someone else, but that you yourself don’t want.

Bigger picture, though, what happens if, when you get older, you never get around to admitting what you want because you are stuck feeling guilty for not wanting what you have? It’s a different kind of conversation, for sure, and it’s one that could help all relationships at all stages, including the one you have with yourself.

So the next time someone tries to manipulate you by using unrelated and nonsensical cause-and-effect arguments that make you feel bad, ignore them and look deeper for the answer to what you want. Inevitably, they will either implicitly or explicitly call you selfish for not caving to their wishes. They are masters at flipping the script. But, really, using guilt to gain control is Narcissism 101, nothing else.